1. "Congratulations". Seems simple enough right? And yet in my 3 years as a member of the preemie parent community, this might be the most talked about tradition of birth, which preemie parents miss. People rarely say "congratulations" when your baby is born prematurely. I suppose because people around a new preemie parent are unsure if it's ok to say or not, or if it might upset the already stressed new parent, or maybe because the baby is doing poorly and it seems cruel. In some cases, yes congrats might be best left unsaid.
But if the baby is holding their own and the parents are hopeful. Congratulate them. They just had a baby for goodness sakes, it doesn't matter that the baby is 3 months or 3 weeks early. It's their baby, and they are happy even if it's hidden amongst fear or uncertainty of what their future holds. Trust me, as someone who didn't hear it...I wanted to hear it, and needed to hear it. It gives normalcy where there is very little.
2. "You're baby is beautiful/perfect/amazing." Premature babies can look scary, wires, tubes and such coming out of every where. They can be frail, have see-through jelly like skin, bruised, battered, poked and may not look like your typical chubby wrinkly full term newborn. Despite how scary or clinical a preemie baby might look in the NICU...that is someone's beloved baby, the parents are beaming with pride. They see past the wires and tubes, they see their child. Tell them how beautiful that child is, they need to hear it.
3. “I am here; I may not understand what you are going through. But I am here.” Unless you are a preemie parent, as much as it bugs some people to hear this…you really don’t understand if you have not been there. Please don’t pretend too, but that does not mean you cannot support the preemie parents in your life. You can, by just being a friend, a listener or what ever else they might need. We need support; we need a soft place to land when things get hard. You truly do not need to “understand” or “get it” to support us.
4. “Your child is doing so well/amazing/outstanding” Instead of focusing on what your preemie parent’s preemie is not doing (milestones, walking, talking, things like that) focus on what they are doing. Of course if the parent brings it up, listen without judgement. The parent is very much aware of what their preemie is or is not doing, trust me. We focus pretty much all of our energy on what our preemies are not doing; we worry about it, dissect it, read and research about how to help them get there. We cry about it, scream about it and it consumes us. Remind us of what’s truly important, the things our amazing kids are doing.
5. “You are an amazing mother/father” Don’t say “I don’t know how you do it” or “I could never do it” or “I am glad it’s not me”. They likely don’t even know! Just acknowledge the fact they are doing an amazing job with their little ones, because the truth is? Most of us don’t know how we are doing it. Some us hang on by a thread, some of us flourish under the pressure but all of us solider on for our kids. It is great when someone notices that, and doesn’t sound like they pity us or are glad they are not in our shoes.
If you are curious about what you shouldn't say to a preemie parent, here is a wonderful article about it. And here are the top 10 things to not say to a preemie parent, as boiled down by the preemie parents on Inspire.com.
WHAT NOT TO SAY
1. “You’re so lucky that you didn’t have to go through the end of pregnancy!”
2. “At least, with the baby in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit), you can get rest at night!”
3. “He’s so small!”
4. “When will she catch up?”
5. “What did you do, that he was born so early?”
6. “Everything happens for a reason.”
7. “Now that you have her home and off all that medical equipment, everything will be fine.”
8. “You’re just being paranoid about his health.”
9. “She needs to be exposed to germs to build up immunity.”
10. “He’s how old? My child is the same age and twice his size.”
Just remember this.....
Dr. Richard Shaw, a Stanford professor of psychiatry and pediatrics, writes:
The birth of a premature infant is an extraordinarily stressful and often traumatic experience in the life of a family. Several of the respondents made reference to the trauma of having a premature infant. Unfortunately, while the concept of postpartum depression is now very well recognized in the medical profession, the concept of a premature birth and a NICU hospitalization as a trauma is not one that is commonly thought of by health care providers. Research at our institution has suggested that as many as 40% of mothers may develop posttraumatic stress symptoms within the first few weeks of their child’s birth.
Our research, and that of others, has also shown that these symptoms, if not recognized and addressed, may last many years, and have an impact on the well being of both parents as well as on their developing child.
Stumped on what to do or give to a new preemie parent, here
are some thoughtful suggestions…..
A journal, this is a wonderful tool for preemie parents.
Encourage them to write every thing down, their babies weight gains (great for
their baby books later on), questions they may have for the doctor or nurses,
milestones their baby reaches (off oxygen, bottling or breastfeeding) and
anything else they might want to remember (some things I wish I had written
down…our nurses/doctors names, the names of our NICU neighbours).
Menus from around the hospital, especially if the parents
are in a new city to them or staying away from home. But even if they are
local, but unsure of the surrounding eateries, this can save them time and get
them back to their babies’ side sooner.
Good hand moisturizer. The new parents will be scrubbing their
hands a lot, I mean a lot! They will get really dry and even cracked hands. A
good moisturizer is key, without scent or additives is preferred!
Gifts and cards, they just had a baby! Celebrate a little.
Buy them a cute preemie outfit; give them something to look forward too!
Preemie sized hats, socks, scratch mittens are all great. Stuffed animals or
soft toys usually are not (unless they are for at home) most NICU’s do not
allow stuffed/soft toys in the baby’s crib or incubator because they are hard
to sanitize.
If possible, a professional photographer is an awesome thing
to gift to a new preemie parent. I wish I had thought of this when Lakai was born;
this would have been an amazing gift. These would be treasured!
Parents with a baby in the NICU have tunnel vision; all they
are thinking about is that baby. Instead of offering your help, just do, show
up with a meal, offer to take their older kids to the park, give them gas cards
for the trips to the hospital, mow their lawn, water their plants, walk their
dog. They are likely overwhelmed and torn in a million different directions;
having someone come in just “do” is an amazing gift.
If they are taking the bus, bus passes. A parking pass to
the hospital if they charge for parking.
Gift cards to coffee shops around the hospital.
I know a lot of people think things like spa gift
certificates and pedicures are nice gifts, and do not get me wrong they are
(for sure!) but gifts like that (solely for the parents) should wait until baby
gets home. If you want to give mom and dad a break, offer to watch their kids
or if you are a family member or someone along those lines, offer to sit with
their baby in the NICU, while they even just go grab coffee together or alone,
whatever! And recharge. Knowing someone they love is with their precious baby
is comforting.
A digital camera (if they do not have one of course, or are unable to get theirs), if you are in a place where you can buy the family one...awesome, can we be friends? Kidding! Or lend them yours.
Hope this helps.
A digital camera (if they do not have one of course, or are unable to get theirs), if you are in a place where you can buy the family one...awesome, can we be friends? Kidding! Or lend them yours.
Hope this helps.
*I wanted to just add and leave you with this....We (preemie parents) do know most of the time, things said that hurt or upset, are said out of a place of not knowing what to say. Don't think we are thin skinned pansies wilting if you glance at us wrong! =) Our grievances with certain things said or not said, grow from a place of hearing the same things over and over. I am not writing this post to make you feel like you need to walk on egg shells around us, not at all. Just be aware we are fragile, in fact between us and our preemies...us parents are the true fragile ones...not our kids!*
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